Push It...But is it Real Good?

Having small kids usually means playground outings. My least favorite thing was pushing my kids on swings. I felt like they should learn to do it by themselves—so I could take a five minute breather, drink coffee, and sit on a bench to watch the kids play.

Even though my youngest is only 6, those carefree park times happen infrequently. But it’s not like I’ve given up the role as “pusher.” This winter I could easily count the frustrated arguments of “making” them study and do homework, practice piano, get ready for swim practice, eat one delicious string bean, and clean up their room.

I fully realize the line of parent vs. child and our role to teach them sensibly how to survive, (and yes, they need to eat even spinach), but I often ruminate about when kids can make their own decisions. And by doing so, will they own their choices and be more responsible?

How much pushing is right? Will they resent the activity? Get angry with me? Burn out? Become anxious? Should I make them play sports that I know are good for them? Should I sign them up without asking to speak in church? I struggle with knowing what’s right. Every time I push I can hear the squeak of an old chain-linked swing swaying in the breeze.

Maybe I should adapt our family to a Montessori-like way of managing their lives. Montessori education is when kids “self-direct their activities and make creative choices in their learning…teachers guide the process.” But when time commitment and money—and an adult perspective—come into play, I’m not convinced they can lead the way. Should we ascribe to the “It’s not fun anymore” litmus test and move on to what seemingly interests them? Can a 9 year-old decide? An 11 year-old? A teenager?

I think about a boy at my son’s middle school who was bullied by three kids—he was physically pushed around by boys who were then suspended. I’m not saying I’m a bully to my kids, but I do wonder about the effect of pushing. I worry that they could get turned off of an activity. But worse—they could get turned off of ME.

Last spring I sat at a baseball game with a friend, and I asked her, “How do you know when to quit an activity for one of your kids?” She responded with an earnest, “When you can’t answer the ‘For what’?” That conversation plays on repeat in my mind when I’m making decisions.

I don’t have the answers, and I’m curious what works for you and your family. I worry about my kids being lazy, not finding their niche, and being indecisive. This year I’m making a promise to be more aware of my kids’ feelings and evaluate their interest level...balancing with what I “think” I know what is good for them. And like that younger version of me in the park, I pray they will learn to push themselves…