Tact or Friction?

Over the past month friends and I have discussed our aging parents. We agonized over a dad’s Parkinson’s disease, moving a dad into assisted living, and a mom’s heart problems/treatments. My smart, sensitive friends and I realize that we will be challenged by similar issues in a few decades. So when I googled the top aging issues to see what else we’d face—(osteoporosis, arthritis, diabetes)-- I was surprised that one wasn’t listed: the lack of a filter. Think of that curmudgeonly, crusty uncle who thinks he can say whatever he wants because he’s already lived his life.

I’m reading the biography of the Bouvier women which highlights the sometimes contentious relationships among Janet, Jackie, and Lee. Mom Janet’s characteristic flaw was never holding back any criticism of her high profile daughters. Even as Jackie Kennedy walked down the aisle to marry Aristotle Onassis Janet whispered to Jackie, “Don’t do it. It’s not too late to back out.” As I turn the pages it’s evident how Janet’s consistent strong words affected Jackie and Lee throughout their lives.

Which got me to think: as we get older is it more important to use tact or even make up something supportive to maintain a harmonious relationship? Just how hurtful can words be?

Last weekend I saw my friend’s son as Henry Higgins in a middle school production of My Fair Lady. Aside from being wowed by the many detailed lines he memorized for the very long show, I was fixated on one of the main themes: that words—and how you say them—can transform a person from being a lowly flower seller to a high society lady. How Eliza Doolittle learned to speak from Higgins truly did shape her life. Language matters.

What if we all paid more attention to the actual words we say—and the delivery of them? Would the world be a nicer, more loving place? Or would it create a fake version of reality if people aren’t being truthful?

Personally I have been bruised by stinging words said to me, phrases forever scarred in my brain—thus straining relationships and making me more conscious of trying to stay mum when angry. When pushed to say something I usually side with tact…or opt for silence in order to avoid conflict, keeping in my true feelings. Yet occasionally the imperfect mom in me explodes—just like when Eliza Doolittle reverts to the Cockney in her, just like Janet Auchincloss domineering her daughters-- and I can see first-hand the ripple of words rattling my kids. And I try to rebound to my vow of remaining kind and supportive to my children.

Osteoporosis may weaken our bones as we age, but our resolve to watch our words should stay strong. I do believe tact can avoid friction. Language is powerful ammunition—for good and bad. As Doolittle sings, “Wouldn’t it be loverly” if at any age we stopped to consider what we say and how we say it?