Be a Mean Girl

I haven’t written a post in awhile. For many reasons. One being that dear friends have been caretaking their 12 year-old daughter, first bedside in a children’s hospital’s cardiac ICU, and now at home.

Who am I to ponder questions of getting older when a young girl fights for her life with her family soldiering alongside? When my friends live in a separate reality that most never witness? Seems rather indulgent of me.

When kids get sick and face life-threatening illnesses...most sane people with a heart question why. How could “this” happen to a child and his or her family? People will tsk, shake their heads, some say a silent prayer, and hope to dear life for faith and healing. And shudder at the thought of going through a daunting hell.

Back in July my beautiful friend looked at me with pleading eyes when I asked how they are all doing. She responded, “I really hope there’s meaning in all of this. That being sick has brought meaning to people—either bringing the community closer together or something else powerful.”

I can’t speak for everyone who’s been affected by a sick child, but I can attest how much this family and strong girl have impacted me. Here are my observations:

·         A parent’s powerful love for a child is limitless. And when tested that strength grows in unbounded ways.

·         People’s perspectives do shift. They are touched and reminded of life’s fragility and importance.

·         Generosity abounds. I have seen how people respond, being awed by anonymous monetary donations, people giving of their time, and many reminders of constant thoughtfulness.

·         Faith stands out as a core to survival. Faith in family, in friends, in medicine, in miracles, in a higher power, in a mysterious, ever-changing life flow.

·         Children should not be underestimated. By their resilience, their compassion, and their ability to still be kids despite challenging circumstances.

They have showed me the importance of gratitude and taking the time to pause and reflect.

Appreciating meaning makes life more substantial, true. But you don’t have to witness a life-threatening illness to bring more meaning to your life—and to others. I suggest striving to be a “mean” girl…or man. I’m not saying to take a tip from Tina Fey’s 2004 hit movie, Mean Girls, but rather to stop and think whether you live with purpose towards the people you value. That if suddenly you were absent, would it matter? Would you be missed?

Don’t miss out on real relationships, true connections. Be mean…ingful. As American spiritual essayist Thomas Merton wrote, “We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.”

Not only seek meaning from challenging, heart-gripping situations like when a community rallies around a family with a sick child, but continue to look for truths in everyday circumstances…and look within to make a difference in someone else’s life. Be significant. Be faithful. Simply be there.

 

For Better...or It Could Be Worse?

On a recent minivan drive I popped in a movie that I thought would incite backlash remarks…no hobbits, no light sabers, and no transforming robots. From the front passenger seat I started hearing recognizable music and Hailey Mills’s iconic voice, and I braced myself for comments from the back two rows. Instead, as the kids started watching Pollyanna I heard chuckles, “I love this movie,” and a request on the journey home for a repeat viewing. This warmed my heart because, as kids, my sister and I watched this movie over and over. I secretly wanted to attend the bazaar at the film’s end to get a slice of sky high layer cake.

The lesson of the movie—in case you’ve never seen the 1960 Disney classic—is to make the best of any situation. To be glad no matter what. To determine what’s good…even if seemingly bad. Which got me thinking…there must be a post in here somewhere.

In life—is it healthier to be content? To always see the good? Or to see the flaws and strive for better?

In my family, sometimes even unconsciously, whenever life throws a lemon, my parents or siblings predictably respond, “Well, it could be worse.”  

So, when putting your situation in perspective—friendships, marriage, jobs, health--do you stop with “it could be worse” and simply be grateful for the current state? Or do you actively try to improve?

I’ve always loved the newspaper’s comics section—admittedly making me feel less intellectual when I get tossed the funnies while my husband reads about world events. One strip I’ve missed is Lynn Johnston’s For Better or For Worse comic—which detailed the seemingly real lives of the Patterson family from 1979 to 2008. Johnston’s take on marriage, sibling dynamics, and current events always made me think—this happens in every community and family. And usually I’d smile—and even sometimes feel the tug on my heartstrings.

The strip ends with Liz marrying her high school friend, Anthony. On the wedding day the mom, Elly, tells her friend, Connie, “This is all happening so fast.”

Indeed, life speeds by with a pace sometimes leaving me breathless and prompting an 8:30 PM bedtime. Since that is the case, and we only have so much time together on this planet…why not combine the practice of being ever-grateful, balanced with a focus to improve what’s important to you. If you miss a friend, make more of an effort to spend time together. If spousal expectations lack, communicate what you need to improve the marriage. It’s not an “or” proposition…it’s for better AND for worse. You don’t have to be content at the expense of not enhancing. And be glad that you devoted the energy to fulfill your life’s potential and happiness.

"Never lose the childlike wonder. Show gratitude...Don't complain; just work harder...Never give up."

--Randy Pausch

http://www.fbofw.com/   Lynn Johnston’s official website for her comic strip, For Better or For Worse

You Deplete Me

If I hear the movie title Jerry Maguire, I immediately picture Cuba Gooding, Jr. passionately repeat, “Show me the money!” This popped into my head last week as I was spring cleaning my DVD collection in hopes of 1.) urging along warmer spring weather, and 2.) finding some Thomas DVD for my 3 year-old. The movie jacket for the 1996 flick starring Tom Cruise and Renée Zellweger made me smile. As a leadership studies undergrad I learned the importance of vision statements. So I especially appreciate Tom Cruise’s titled character having his eureka moment, inspiring him to write his own statement about being a better sports agent.  At the movie’s start Maguire takes a long, hard look in the mirror, and an intense passion fires him up about changing the typical agent-athlete relationship. In the end, that focus reduces his number of clients to one, Rod Tidwell. 

Do you sometimes feel in life that the person in front of you truly doesn’t see you for who you are? That you are reduced to someone you are not? 

There’s nothing worse than people judging—or misjudging-- you. Except that I’ll add when it’s someone close to you. When certain relationships disappoint I end up feeling drained. Or as an adaption to Zellweger’s famous quip, I think to myself, “You deplete me.” Because I literally feel anxious, stressed, and even zapped of energy.

Psychologist Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter writes in Psychology Today, “In the times we live in, energy, especially the positive kind, is a precious commodity. It's not something you should willingly give up to the negative power of those who would steal your energy.”

And seeing someone does not take that much effort. Maybe an extra silence so you can listen to what he/she is saying or taking a conscious effort to read facial expressions and body language. A few days ago I was driving through a food store giant’s infamous parking lot—which is always jam-packed. I shockingly witnessed three people in their 60s and 70s just cross to the entrance without a mere glance at the surrounding cars. 

As we age do we just not care as much to look? To see?

There truly is a positive power in seeing. And a danger exists, (and not just getting hit by a car), in not—because that inability fractures relationships. I’ve discovered when someone interacts with me, not listening, and definitely not seeing my point of view, that they come across as dismissive and condescending. And at this stage in life, with only so much energy to offer the universe, that it makes sense to distance yourself, set boundaries, remind yourself that it isn’t you, and most importantly perhaps, remember these feelings when you’re the one “seeing” someone else.

Hopefully you have that vision and make an affirmative statement in your relationships--that the person on the receiving end actually feels stronger, better, and appreciated. See what I mean?

For the article “How to Deal With People Who Drain You”:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201203/how-deal-people-who-drain-you 

How Do You Fancy To Take Flight?

This month’s neighborhood book club chose Sue Monk Kidd’s The Invention of Wings, a fine narrative set in the early 1800s Charleston and Philadelphia. The two Southern plantation daughters, Sarah and Angelina Grimké, become abolitionists and women’s rights leaders--who were actual pioneers in our American history. I deeply sympathized with the rebellious slaves, mom Charlotte and daughter Hetty, and how they plot to gain their independence. Kidd weaves their challenging, moving stories, illustrating how these women create paths to freedom, inventing their own wings so they could soar and be at peace.

It may sound melodramatic to identify with lack of choices and feeling trapped…especially being educated, white, and it being 2015. But I do.

Over coffee this week friends and I discussed staying home to raise our children. I connected with comments about feeling restricted and not financially free. How we support our spouses to flourish in their careers while managing the home and kid responsibilities, the whole “default parent” bit. We know how much we contribute, yet still feel guilt about spending money. That we miss utilizing our degrees. That it can be lonely. But we honestly don’t seek full-time jobs, knowing the stress potentially added to home life. We admitted to not being able to have it all—which is fine, but sometimes uncertain feelings still sap our energy. By all means, we know how good we have it, but that doesn’t dismiss that veil of female longing, questioning, and wondering…themes whirling in Kidd’s novel, 200 years later.

Do you ever feel trapped? That you have lost your independence? Your will to follow your path?

 A few months ago one of my girlfriends scoffed at me, saying I was clipping my 10 year-old daughter’s ambitions for having career conversations. I had told her about my forthright mom-daughter chats describing the many hats a woman wears—and if she chooses to get married and have a family, that there are some professions with more flexibility than others. My friend wondered why I’d limit my daughter, why I would curtail her dreams. Being an impassioned dreamer I heartily asserted that was not my plan. Instead, I intend to help my daughter see the realities of being a grown-up, professional, working woman with a family. Isn’t that what being a feminist is? To help advance women to make their own choices? In my heart I want to give my daughter wings by showing possibilities, not by limiting them.

In the movie Maleficent Angelina Jolie-Pitt’s titled character becomes bitter and resigned after the king brutally removes her wings.  None of us should be in that dark place. For any person—man or woman—it takes individual drive to follow their own flight to figure out their future path. For some, it may take more energy and ingenuity than others…but I do believe that we all have the power to fly. We may just have to invent those wings ourselves.

“One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.”
- Helen Keller

 

For The New York Times review of The Invention of Wings: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/26/books/review/the-invention-of-wings-by-sue-monk-kidd.html?_r=0

The “default parent” piece:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/the-default-parent_b_6031128.html

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to 40

While walking in a 40 year-old’s shoes for a year I’ve gained insights into this getting older process. So many conversations and questions with others who tackle similar issues. So much introspection. The overarching theme is that there’s a ton of well, everything, to explore at mid-life. As long as we make the time and open ourselves to discovery. And not take everything so seriously.

As I was reflecting about this piece I pictured Nathan Lane in Stephen Sondheim’s A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum—especially that first number when the entire cast entertains on stage. So, to pay homage to the song “A Comedy Tonight” here is my version…mere observations from the written posts and continuing conversations I have with friends regarding this life’s phase.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to 40

“Something familiar…”

Hiding behind wrinkles and memories from 1990? Seek the genuine you to resurface. Use your confidence and experience to shine. We don’t have anything to prove—except that there’s more life bottled up within our souls.

“Something peculiar…”

Hearing kids sing 80s songs like they’ve watched MTV for years unsettles you—and yet, makes you proud. Today’s youth doesn’t even know what Aquanet could accomplish, but they can belt Bon Jovi like any solid big hair band groupie.

“Something for everyone…”

There’s a diet or an exercise video series du jour for all. And technology to track whether we’re on task. Fad or fit-tion? What are you hooked on—or hooked up to?

“Something appealing…”

Making more of an effort to prioritize you. Whether that means carving out time for yoga, grabbing wine with friends, or saying no to homeroom parent—block out some blissful minutes. You deserve it.

 “Something appalling…”

Not using up all of your vacation days…or your spouse saving up his/hers. Why not take more breaks to enjoy this vibrant time in your life? Go on an adventure while you still have the energy and health to hike, kayak, and make it through five wineries in one day.

“Tragedy tomorrow…”

Cop shows congest network TV…capitalizing on the public’s fascination with society’s horrors. The real tragedy is shows like Parenthood ending. Time to discover other poignant, well-written dramas and more comedies to lighten our television viewing.

“A Comedy Tonight…”

Find the funny…whether in the mirror or at life’s silly circumstances. Laughing lowers stress and boosts immunity. And creates connections with others. Maybe it’s time to don a toga and whip up some old card games circa college days.

Toga or not, take some steps to evaluate what else you care to experience and make it happen. It’s time to act on some selfish desires to make you happy. Because when you do your entire ensemble will be dancing alongside, uplifted by your joy. "Goodness and badness, panic is madness--this time it all turns out all right!"* And I truly hope it does for you. Let's keep toe tapping down this path and see where Act II leads.

 

 

 

*lyrics from “A Comedy Tonight” from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

You Are What You Eat? Gulp, I Hope Not

“Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of.”

Sure, we’ve all heard the above nursery rhyme. If I had to say, in food terms, what I’m made of I immediately think of pizza, ice cream, wine, and grilled cheese with bacon. Much of my identity revolves around food—meeting up with friends for coffee, planning menus when entertaining, and feeling the joy of cooking for others. I’m one of those people who lives to eat, not eats to live.

But what if you have to cut out sugar and pretty much all foods you love? Then what’s left?

This fall I’ve been battling a flare up with my autoimmune disease, Hashimoto's. So I started researching nutritional ways to make me feel better. Feeling desperate I decided to try an autoimmune protocol (AIP) diet. Following the guidelines means consuming organic protein and vegetables. No dairy. No gluten. No sugar. Not even tomatoes or eggs.

This is not a post about my health or to catapult me into martyrdom--it is about the transformation and observation of feeling the loss of identity at this point in life.

Others who change jobs, divorce, get sick, quit working to be a stay-at-home parent, get injured and can’t play their sport, retire —this life alteration is what I’m referring to. The time when a large part of your life-- and maybe your defining characteristics-- are finished.

How do you adjust to the new you?

In O Magazine Martha Beck writes, “Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis.” She goes on to say, “Don't attribute your happiness to your new identity; security lies in knowing how to deal with metamorphosis, whenever it occurs.”

So I started dealing with these restrictive changes, accepting the adjustments…until one afternoon I simply craved a chocolate chip cookie. I decided to bake some gluten free version, (the prepared mix contained no sugar—so how tasty could they really be). My daughter said they looked like taco meat. My husband said they smelled like dog biscuits. And me? They truly did not satisfy on any level.

Admittedly the cookie experiment left me a little glum. Who was I, if not donning an apron and sharing in life’s delicacies with those I love?

Last week still feeling a bit blue, I trudged to a Christmas event where a speaker talked about the real meaning of the holiday. Regardless of any religious ties—what I heard could give strength to anyone facing overwhelming times. The message I heard: for times when your life expectations shatter, just focus on the constants--the true, positive, reliable parts of your life that bring you peace and happiness. That could mean faith, friends, enjoying the sound of your children’s laughter…

Sometimes in life you can’t have your cake, (or cookie), and eat it, too. If you are challenged by an identity change, seek supportive people who listen to you. And do activities that bring you joy. Maybe cook up a new nursery rhyme for yourself…and remember what you are made of and stay strong.

 

For more information about how AIP addresses inflammation in the gut read:

http://aiplifestyle.com/what-is-autoimmune-protocol-diet/

http://www.thepaleomom.com/autoimmunity/the-autoimmune-protocol

For the Martha Beck piece: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Strategies-to-Deal-With-Every-Phase-of-Major-Life-Changes#ixzz3KlrXvcKz

 

How Do You Place the Importance of Where You Live?

Years ago I would walk through Boston’s North End, loving the intermingling smells -- the harbor’s salt water with the fresh bread from the bakeries and garlic from the Italian restaurants. I’d feel the uneven bricks below my feet. Hear the hum of nearby Logan Airport and the street traffic which used to run above ground prior to the Big Dig. Here was a city I treasured, that became a part of me, a part of my history. Still, in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn’t stay—that this wouldn’t be my forever home.

I’ve lived in a number of locations—and have appreciated their history, uniqueness, and people. Certain places felt more like home than others, but none so much as settling into the western Philadelphia suburbs. My heart feels that solid sense of belonging. Yet a notion always glimmers that maybe we’re missing something—that there could be other addresses to enrich our life experience.

How attached are you to your sense of place? Your house? Your town?

My husband and I often entertain the thought of working and living abroad for a couple of years. To provide that wide-open, global perspective, the cultural appreciation, the possible absorption of a new language. Relocating would teach our kids resilience, that change is a part of life, and that as long as we’re together we’re home.

On the flipside we appreciate the sense of stability, creating a rich history with friends and family, and becoming a real part of the community.

Does anyone else weigh settling down vs. exploring elsewhere? Especially now, at this stage in life?

We have friends who live abroad and those who move frequently within the States—and the wanderlust part of me thinks, “That’s amazing you have the gumption, that bold sense of adventure as part of your family fabric,” and I wonder if we could really uproot, take that leap, and start over just like they do.

And then I look around and feel there’s no place I’d rather be, sort of how Jesus Jones sang the lyrics in 1990.

“Place” impacts not only the shaping of our current lives, but how we reflect on our life experiences. I love the sentiment Ladette Randolph expresses in her memoir Leaving the Pink House, “I best understand my life though the houses where I’ve lived…Houses are often the archives for my deepest, most resonant memories, the places where I’ve curated my life stories.” The same applies to cities, towns, and neighborhoods.

I know home is where the heart is—yes, surrounded by those we love, but it is more—I need to feel an intuitive connection of peace and promise—to the local scenery, the familiar smells and sounds, and the rhythms of daily interactions. Look around you, breathe in the sense of place that envelopes you, and hopefully you feel the comfort wherever your current landscape takes you.

“Place conspires with the artist. We are surrounded by our own story,
we live and move in it. It's through place that we put our roots.”                               --Eudora Welty