As much as I
love eating tortilla chips, the sound of someone else chewing them drives me
berserk. I often leave the room to avoid hearing the crunch in other people’s
mouths. Misophonia, the term describing a decreased tolerance to or hatred of certain
sounds, has popped up in my Yahoo feeds, so I know others grapple with this
issue. Some friends can’t stand hearing other people chew gum, lips smack, or their
spouses snore.
And then there are the typical sounds in daily life that I try to
ignore: kid whining, sibling fighting, bleeping from some annoying app…those dreadful
drains on my listening limits. So I do my best to tune out those sounds that
make me crazy.
Which, of course, got me thinking…as we get older, do we consciously, or even
subconsciously, tune out more than we should?
In my first job fresh out of grad school I sat in a “simple art of
business consulting” training. I remember sitting in the auditorium with my
spanking new wool suit, band-aids on my feet because of stiff leather heels,
and an excitement bubbling to “get out there” and actually help clients
improve. The presenter spoke about successful consultants as the ones to dive
in with three layers of questions to discover business issues. In good practice
we should ask more than the superficial “What isn’t working?” and listen, ask
another question, and listen even more. Asking at least three levels of questions
will get to the heart of the problem, this savvy trainer assured us.
The basic principles of good consulting, (asking the right, layered
questions and listening), apply to general life, to our relationships.
I think of MANY times I’ll be in a situation where I’m talking to
someone on the sideline, at the food store, or at a party, and feel the need to
listen more. Or to ask clarifying questions, even when sometimes my mind wanders
or races ahead to the next topic. Admittedly I don’t pay close attention to my
second grader’s tall tales about his classmates, (so and so has a REAL lightsaber,
my friend won a thousand dollars in the lottery)… And on the flipside, sometimes
I feel that people ask me skimming questions and don’t care what I’m saying or try
to understand how I’m feeling.
Do we take the time to listen and ask the right questions?
I realize we all live in a high speed zone with a ton happening in our
own lives, but in order to have rich, meaningful relationships, be willing to
ask those three levels of questions and to listen. Let the person on the other
side know that you acknowledge what they’re saying.
Tuning out may be a skill to get us through episodes of annoying gum
chewing or inane sibling clatter, but turn on your listening ears when actually
having a conversation with someone. Pursue those three layers of questions and
listen…if you don’t, you may miss an opportunity of the “hear” and now…and the chance
to be a true friend. Sound good?
For more information about misophonia:
