Play It Right…So Says Playwright Shakespeare

I’ve never been so frustrated with either parent that a fortune cookie reversed our lives so we could switch places to learn mutual respect of each other-- a lá Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis in the 2003 movie Freaky Friday. At this age, when I look in the mirror a genetic mosaic reflects back at me.

When you look in the mirror who do you see? Your mother’s eye crinkles? Your grandmother’s nose? Untamed eyebrows just like your father? Much more than physical characteristics I recognize…I see the lessons I teach my kids, it’s the phrases I utter that, yes, my mother used to say twenty years ago, it’s the dreams, ambitions, and hobbies I identify with along the DNA path. And one scary glimpse sees that as we age, the older generations do, too.

William Shakespeare, who turned 450 this past week, wrote that the last of the “seven ages of man” is a second childhood. He observed that parents and children often reverse roles as parents grow older. I’m lucky—my parents are still healthy and vibrant. But when do those roles get reversed? My mom was 19 when her mother died. My father lost both parents by the time he was 46. Daunting, reality-facing facts that freak out most people.

The so-called circle of life begins to feel noose-like if you dwell on the negative aspects of caring for your parents or older loved ones. This sandwiched golden era, in some ways, may be fleeting. And if so, do I take the time to really appreciate it? And them? And what about the important life lessons they have gifted to me?

Since I only read Cliffs Notes versions of Shakespeare’s works—here’s my abbreviated list of what I have valued from my parents and grandparents:

1—Make time. My dad had lunch with his mom at least once a week throughout his professional life. I can only hope to have that kind of relationship with my adult kids.

2—No table is too small. My grandparents lived in humble homes, yet that did not stop them from filling them with people and food.

3—You get more when you give. My father’s ever-thoughtful generosity is quite a high standard. I always took note of his considerate gestures and vowed to be like him.

4—Never stop caring. Just like people say you never stop worrying when you’re a parent, the same happens when thinking about the older generation. Admirably my mother devotes countless hours taking care of her stepmother who turns 95 this May.

5—Embrace your in-laws. I grew up knowing that my parents truly loved and appreciated their in-laws. My mom emphasized how much my paternal grandparents loved my dad, and she respected that bond. While I know those relationships can be complicated and sometimes not perfect, I want that love and respect to trickle down to the relationships with my kids’ someday spouses.

Think about what you value most about what you’ve learned from your parents and grandparents, what is especially worth highlighting and modeling before we hit Shakespeare’s second childhood. The Bard was on to something in Sonnet 2:

When forty winters shall beseige thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery, so gazed on now,
Will be a tatter'd weed, of small worth held…

When looking in the mirror we may notice forty winters’ wrinkles, but look deeper for those imparted and important lessons. To me, my parents’ and grandparents’ respectful, loving, and generous examples run deeper than any superficial trait. What do you value the most? Write it down—iambic pentameter purely optional.

Can We Spare Change, (or Lack Thereof), as We Get Older?

Back in my business consulting days I attended a training class in Illinois. During a free afternoon my team rented a limo to explore Chicago’s scenic splendors. Five minutes into the drive someone opened a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, and I gagged. I immediately feigned exhaustion, put my head against the window, and forced myself to sleep. All because I couldn’t stand the toxic smell of those chips.

Maybe I should become a perfumer or a sommelier with this bloodhound quality. Until last year I did not even know a label existed for those with this kind of trait--HSP, or a Highly Sensitive Person. A good friend, (also an HSP), told me about it. I took the online inventory—scored a 17—and suddenly certain personal characteristics and how they interact with my surroundings—made clear sense.

Why bring this up? Because this week I’ve been pondering how people change. We all undergo transformations. We’re not the same people we were at ten, sixteen, twenty-five, even thirty-five. And it would be naïve to think we only get better, like a velvety Bordeaux.

So, do we unconsciously change? And like my keen smell sense, do dominant elements of our personality only get more pronounced as we age? Translated as: will I be the old lady who can’t stand any loud noises or be in a room where romano cheese dusts a meatball? And that’s just superficial stuff…what about those personality ringers, like stubbornness, impatience, and need for control?

As a parent I’m recognizing the impossibility of changing others. Influencing, guiding them, absolutely. A different friend reassured me that, of course, people can alter their less desirable traits—fully disclosed, a therapist. She emphasized that change requires a strong, internal locus of control. And a desire.

If change is so difficult—and we can’t just wave our hands to mold people to our liking, should we be more patient with other adults, keeping in mind that people have steadfast personalities?

The educated, logical answer is yes, as a society we should all be more tolerant and considerate of people with bold, distinct characteristics. But when things bother us, (and funny, as I type this I’m getting agitated by the thunderous noise of my neighbor’s generator running on his driveway --sounds like a Harley Davidson in my ear), sometimes we cannot help how we react or feel.

Nothing wrong at this point in our lives to take an inventory—for HSP, or just doing a gut-check thinking about how you respond to others. Regardless of where you land on the HSP scale, we can all be more sensitive to others and truly accept the serenity that comes with knowing we can’t change people’s core traits. Doing so makes me recall advice from a communications training I attended years ago. The instructor suggested an adaptation of the golden rule, to “Treat others as they would like to be treated.”

It may take extra effort to consider other people’s needs, but this is a change worth seeking. And improved interactions will be in the bag. For my sake, I’m hoping not a smelly kind full of chips.

 

For more information about the Highly Sensitive Person: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm and The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Dr. Elaine Aron