Who are We Kidding?

Two weeks ago at my 10 year-old’s basketball game the referee paused the game to talk to the visiting parents. Since I was working the scoreboard across the gym floor I couldn’t hear the conversation. After the game the ref spoke to the visiting coaches. I overheard him explaining that their fan said derogatory remarks to one of the home team players, and the ref put a stop to the jeers because it “just wasn’t right.” Within the same week I heard about a local school board meeting where a 15 year-old boy spoke about how he felt more comfortable for their school district to continue the mask mandate due to the Omicron wave. And a woman at the meeting yelled a horrific, “Shoot him!”

When I heard the second story it felt like I was in that meeting, watching an impressionable boy being verbally assaulted by an adult, with demonizing, much more than insulting, words. And if I felt attacked merely hearing the story, how did he feel? His parents? For the 5^th grader at my son’s game the comment’s threat was at a much lesser level, but still…all I can think is: Why don’t parents have a filter, especially when it comes to kids?

I’m no angel…I’ve been to my share of youth sports events. I’ve winced at the seeming cheaters calling bad line shots on the tennis court. I’ve bristled along the soccer field when I’ve felt kids are too physical and should be called on it. But to verbally attack a child?

Are adults so emboldened that they can freely shout insults at kids who are still developing, still forming their own sense of self-worth? Still sizing up the world around them and figuring out how they fit in? Still learning how to treat other humans? What happened to these adults in their lives to justify these actions?

I’ll never forget the indoor baseball tournament my oldest son played in years ago. My son hit a triple and was obviously psyched. He was on a high until the next inning when he was perched on the rubber pitcher’s mound. He walked a kid and looked visibly upset and frustrated. Some mother from the other team shouted a gravelly, “Good! You deserve it, pitcher! We got you!” Even though I despise conflict, I stood up in the bleachers and said, “That’s enough! That’s my son!” and in my head I thought—aren’t these all our kids?!?!

On the flipside of these nasty remarks, I’ve seen the power in community parenting, where like-minded, good-hearted people have looked out for each other’s children, helping to raise caring, confident, and thoughtful individuals. These parents with perspective, oftentimes coaches, have these kids’ heads and hearts in the right place. If you have these adults in your circle, thank them. Appreciate them. Make sure your kids express their gratitude towards them. Because it does take a village to raise kids. 

I don’t know if the threatening woman at the school board meeting will be arrested for her terroristic threats against a minor, but such behavior does warrant us all to be mindful of the effects we adults have on children.

Stuck in the Middle?

Even though I rarely eat meat, I sometimes get a hankering for a juicy Italian hoagie. Or I think about a muffuletta in New Orleans, (I LOVE olives). Or one of my favorite sandwiches ever-- fresh mozzarella and prosciutto from Fiore’s in Hoboken, NJ. Now I even crave a regular on my home lunch rotational menu, falafel topped with cucumber salad on a toasted baguette. The insides make your mouth pop with flavor, excitement, and nourishment.

Just like a sandwich, life’s best times are smack in the middle. Think of the many layers, the different elements. I always felt a certain safety being wedged in between, cushioned by whatever end posts existed. As the second child of 3, I actually enjoyed my spot in the sibling lineup. Even all of those Jan Brady middle child syndrome descriptions never felt real. I grew up and currently live in the keystone state, am in my upper 40s, and have a part-time job—I could be considered a “middle pro.” Lately, though, at a time when life should be its clearest, it seems less certain and fulfilling. 

So lately, do you feel yourself being stuck? Here I am wondering if the middle is more muddle.

No longer do we have the hopeful youth of childhood and even young parenthood. Now we face inevitable responsibilities and realities including exhausting spurts of self-doubt, worry, and caretaking with consequences. Not dealing with minor decisions of which diaper brand, it’s which antidepressant to prescribe and what effect would that have on my kid. Will the older people in my life survive Covid and other possible ailments? And it’s not just those above and below us…it’s also looking in the mirror—both externally and internally. Yes, I need another skin biopsy. Yes, my hair is thinning. Yes, I still need to decide how I want to live the rest of my life.

Are we being squeezed too much in this stage of life—like Dagwood forcing one of those over-the-top sandwiches into his mouth? Somehow he always fits it all. And I suppose, somehow so do we. That’s not to say at times we can feel bloat or nausea.

In April ’21 Adam Grant, the organizational psychologist, published an article about the “middle child of mental health”—languishing-- during the pandemic. He described it as “joyless” and “aimless.” Is this a natural slice of middle age? To overcome these sluggish feelings, perhaps focusing on mindfulness, healthy foods, time in nature, and relationships would help. Typical with many Januarys, I, too am re-centering priorities, making the time to reflect, and cultivating
healthy habits. I dusted off my journal. I tried making buffalo cauliflower in the new air fryer. I’m carving out more time to play tennis with friends.

As I think about it, the daily rhythm of this age has its own patterns. As we consciously live and flow with how days pass, take note of what makes life juicy and nourishing for you. Add more of those layers and take out the wilted ones. As I’ve been writing this post, the catchy beat of “Stuck in the Middle (With You)” by Stealers Wheel has been playing on a mental loop. According to research, the band was surprised by the single’s chart success. Maybe those middle marvels in our lives, when we feel stuck, can surprise us, too.  

 

The Adam Grant article https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/19/well/mind/covid-mental-health-languishing.html