Push It...But is it Real Good?

Having small kids usually means playground outings. My least favorite thing was pushing my kids on swings. I felt like they should learn to do it by themselves—so I could take a five minute breather, drink coffee, and sit on a bench to watch the kids play.

Even though my youngest is only 6, those carefree park times happen infrequently. But it’s not like I’ve given up the role as “pusher.” This winter I could easily count the frustrated arguments of “making” them study and do homework, practice piano, get ready for swim practice, eat one delicious string bean, and clean up their room.

I fully realize the line of parent vs. child and our role to teach them sensibly how to survive, (and yes, they need to eat even spinach), but I often ruminate about when kids can make their own decisions. And by doing so, will they own their choices and be more responsible?

How much pushing is right? Will they resent the activity? Get angry with me? Burn out? Become anxious? Should I make them play sports that I know are good for them? Should I sign them up without asking to speak in church? I struggle with knowing what’s right. Every time I push I can hear the squeak of an old chain-linked swing swaying in the breeze.

Maybe I should adapt our family to a Montessori-like way of managing their lives. Montessori education is when kids “self-direct their activities and make creative choices in their learning…teachers guide the process.” But when time commitment and money—and an adult perspective—come into play, I’m not convinced they can lead the way. Should we ascribe to the “It’s not fun anymore” litmus test and move on to what seemingly interests them? Can a 9 year-old decide? An 11 year-old? A teenager?

I think about a boy at my son’s middle school who was bullied by three kids—he was physically pushed around by boys who were then suspended. I’m not saying I’m a bully to my kids, but I do wonder about the effect of pushing. I worry that they could get turned off of an activity. But worse—they could get turned off of ME.

Last spring I sat at a baseball game with a friend, and I asked her, “How do you know when to quit an activity for one of your kids?” She responded with an earnest, “When you can’t answer the ‘For what’?” That conversation plays on repeat in my mind when I’m making decisions.

I don’t have the answers, and I’m curious what works for you and your family. I worry about my kids being lazy, not finding their niche, and being indecisive. This year I’m making a promise to be more aware of my kids’ feelings and evaluate their interest level...balancing with what I “think” I know what is good for them. And like that younger version of me in the park, I pray they will learn to push themselves…

Does Distrust Lead To Pot Holes in your Heart?

Welcome to that time of year—when we all play the reality driving game of swerving around the many pot holes peppering most roads. I try my best to avoid them and wonder when they will be fixed.

Last Friday I maneuvered around the countless chasms and drove to a business lecture taught by a communication expert. The man provided case studies of organizations facing crises—and how they responded. The companies that broke their consumers’ trust by miscommunicating and mishandling situations had to spend countless dollars and time to fix what happened. The speaker stressed how difficult it is for companies to rebuild trust—and sometimes even after much expended energy brands ultimately could not reconstruct their images and customer relationships, thus going bankrupt and failing.

I thought to myself—there’s a blog post here that transcends the business marketplace.

After the recent harrowing killing spree of innocent lives in Parkland, FL I again became blue and disenfranchised with our government. As a mother I cried for those victims—and for the parents and survivors whose lives will forever be changed. I felt our government let down its citizens again—and I feel distrust with elected officials who protect their pockets vs. people. While by nature I’m an optimistic, trusting person it’s going to take some action to rebuild my belief in elected politicians.

The same feeling can be applied to relationships in life. 

Have you had relationships/friendships fail because you lost trust in someone?

At this point in our lives I’d be shocked if most people haven’t lost someone because trust shattered. Just like potholes aren’t created overnight, often relationships slowly wear down, leaving them damaged. When one is dishonest, inconsistent, and perhaps even betrays another, a bond ruptures. A definite line is drawn. It could be a protective barrier, a boundary created. It could be a desire to not just not deal anymore. Because you’re tired of being hurt and let down. And you think--there are too many trustworthy people to devote your time to—I’m just going to swerve around this emotional pothole. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid forgiveness.

Does forgiving come easier as we get older? In some ways with a greater perspective and broader experiences, yes, I think it’s easier to forgive now than when we were younger. As Maya Angelou has said, “It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” And then she goes on to say that it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to invite them to your table.

Like misguided businesses in crisis that break their consumers’ trust, governments that make decisions based on campaign dollars versus common sense, people in our lives can also break trust. Rebuilding that genuine, mutual trust is not as easy as patching it up with asphalt. If you find yourself on a path with dicey holes, carefully swerve to avoid a flat, offer up some forgiveness, and most importantly—trust yourself, your own instincts and move forward with confidence and caution. 

When "In" It, Get "Out"

Flipping the calendar to February I always feel a sense of accomplishment—for getting through a long, cold, dark winter month. Yes, I realize there are 45 more days until spring, and I will be wearing fleece-lined yoga pants and boots until April. For my birthday two weeks ago I laughed when I opened my new LLBean slippers and saw an enclosed sticker that said--“Be an Outsider”—because I practically hibernate in winter. Get out? Not me.

While it could be weather’s influence, I feel I’m in a slump of sorts. When people ask, “How are you doing?” I feel compelled to respond, “Overwhelmed and exhausted.” Not only does the daily grind continue, but now I need to plan for the spring and summer…sports, camps, teams, kids’ classes for next year, vacation…the many emails I manage around just these topics suffocate my inbox.

So I keep doing my best to manage. And feel way underappreciated for motherhood’s monotony.

How do you see yourself when you are “in it”? That place when you’re overwhelmed and exhausted?

Last week one of my MBA students delivered a speech and talked about her role on a US aircraft carrier in the Pacific Ocean. As she told about the many moveable parts, (navigating the ship, keeping her crew happy, scheduling the logistics for planes to take off and land), I thought of the mom role—and while we don’t have to steer in politically-intense, international waters, the many unpredictable and constant activities of raising children make me feel like ALL mothers need to be saluted. That we, indeed, are steering complicated vessels.

Because sometimes we all—mothers or not—are sailing in a flurry of to do’s and just doing the best we can. So I decided to interpret that sticker’s advice—as in, get an outsider’s view.

I polled my kids to get a glimpse of their thoughts on motherhood. I asked them four questions and here are their responses in order of youngest, (age 6), to oldest, (age 13):

What is the best thing about being a mother?

Spending time with kids.

Driving kids all the time.

Having kids and making them happy by cooking.

You get a chance to be a better parent than your parents.

What is the worst thing about being a mother?

Taking care of your kids.

Dealing with annoying kids and kids talking back.

Doing the schedule for everyone.

You don’t really get alone time. You can’t have sick days.

What is the best part of being YOUR mother?

We have fun together.

You feed me good things I like.

We both like the same music.

You don’t have to deal with anything. I’m really independent.

What is the worst part of being YOUR mother?

Cooking for me.

Yelling at me.

My persistence.

I don’t know—I’m not a bad kid.

Taking an outside view of motherhood and the relationship with each of my kids—even just sitting with them while answering my questions—made me step back and realize how lucky I am to have these four people in my life, even if the work and effort can sometimes be mundane, bone-tiring, and exasperating. Some of their responses, while not particularly profound, made me smile. And I could sense that even if they don’t say it, they DO realize the work of being their mom.

I encourage anyone who feels caught in a morass of drudgery or that hectic state of always being on deck of their own ship, to literally “get out”—seek an outside perspective. Find out how others view you. You may be surprised or entertained by their responses. You may feel appreciated. At the very least, it will be an “in”-teresting exchange, giving you a break from folding that mountain of laundry.