How Do You Scratch a 7 Year Itch?

On average a person stays at their job for 4.4 years, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. And Millennials stay in a job for less than three years.*

So it’s no wonder that this year I’m starting to scratch. Getting itchy. My primary job, being a mother of four for the last 7 years, has caused a prickly feeling to creep up my spine. I love my kids with all of my heart. But it’s just that sometimes I want something different, a break from the daily grind of food shopping, laundry, and being the logistical leader of this family. I admit to wishing the time away for my youngest to start elementary school, (I can practically hear the gasps from my friends whose kids are in college). I may sound like an insensitive, unloving mother, but isn’t it only natural for an all-consuming job to wear you down?

I’m not the first person to feel this way. The “seven-year itch” is a psychological term suggesting that happiness in a relationship declines after year seven of marriage. So, maybe my job satisfaction level is just petering with parenthood. 

Last weekend my husband and I watched the 1955 movie, The Seven Year Itch, which shows how a faithful publishing executive, Richard Sherman, fantasizes about cheating with his new upstairs neighbor played by Marilyn Monroe. The two form an unlikely friendship—he being optimistic that romantic feelings are brewing, and she more seeking his air conditioning during a hot Manhattan summer.  It turns out that guilt runs Richard to his wife and kid who are summering in Maine.

But I can’t just run away from the mundane motherhood monotony by fleeing to Kennebunkport.

Who else has caught themselves in a cycle of dissatisfaction—in any situation? When there’s little hope of relief? How do you scratch your itch?

Four years ago I had the worst case of poison ivy. Oozing, hideous scabs covered my body, and all I wanted to do was scratch. The only way I found episodic relief? I scalded myself in the shower—tricking my skin to not feel the rash, but instead to feel the burn. Temporary, but still blissful.

During challenging, strenuous times like in my current full-time job, we need to find those retreats to recharge. And not feel guilty about doing so. Sabbaticals for teachers—and now in some businesses—were invented for a reason. Note: “sabbatical” is derived from the word “sabbath,” for rest—a luxury often missing for mothers. Along with time off we need the support to do so. We need a medium to escape the tedium.

This motherhood job is a permanent one—and is no fantasy like Richard Sherman’s whimsical daydreams. Anyone in the trenches can relate. His imagination takes him elsewhere…leading ultimately back to his family. Maybe, just like with the poison ivy, what is needed is a few showers of relief—to take me away---only to be returned to my little blessings, but with my irritation healed and me feeling less stressed. 

 

*”Job Hopping is the ‘New Normal’ for Millennials: Three Ways to Prevent a Human Resource Nightmare” –Forbes 8/14/12 http://www.forbes.com/sites/jeannemeister/2012/08/14/job-hopping-is-the-new-normal-for-millennials-three-ways-to-prevent-a-human-resource-nightmare/

No Woman is an Island? I Disagree.

I’ve often romanticized a tropical lifestyle—the ever-wearing flip flops, dancing to steel drums on the way to the food market type of existence. Wouldn’t life be more effortless and relaxing being surrounded by crystal clear, champagne shores, “knee deep in the water somewhere” --like the Zac Brown Band sings? Would we be in constant vacation mode driving to and from soccer practice?

For years I’ve yearned for that get-away paradise, especially at times when bottomless mango daiquiris didn’t cut it anymore. I even kept a secret list close to my heart of the five friends I’d take on a deserted island. You’ve probably heard versions of the “5 Friends Everyone Should Have,”—like a lawyer, physician, mechanic, therapist, and a carpenter. Or about the “5 Friend Types”—like a listener, a motivator, a helper, an adventurer, and a comedian. Would you pray to be shipwrecked with a movie star like Gilligan? Who do you prioritize? Whom can you text/call to satisfy your pick-me-up?   

When teaching a public speaking class about aggressive and agenda-driven interviewers I talk about the “island of safety.” I suggest that the students prepare three key message points to drive the conversation, to focus their time as an opportunity to present their ideas and not get sidetracked down some tangential path. If someone asks an unrelated, hostile question the responder should acknowledge it, and then create a bridge to return to their main messages, or to their island.

Over the years I’ve realized that the bridges to reach those on my island—have been key to not only survival, but to share in life’s sheer enjoyment. As a high school graduation gift my favorite teacher gave me a framed piece of calligraphy with John Donne’s poem, which begins with, “No man is an island, Entire of itself.” Contrary to Donne’s poem, perhaps we are our own islands, molding our lives by erupting into our own safe havens? Granted, mine’s a land-locked one in suburban Pennsylvania with no steel drums…but in a non-methodical manner I have somehow crafted my own island of safety. I know the importance of gathering that band of merry people whom I can depend on, laugh with, and be inspired by.

So be grateful for the treasures on your island, those who make you feel confident, loved, supported, and encouraged. And make sure to thank them for just being there—in your fashioned paradise—which, in reality, may be in your own backyard.

Mind Tricking Your Way to What You Want: Does Positive Thinking Actually Work?

Hypochondriacs, I would guess, are prepared when illness hits.  Medicines stocked in the cabinet, WebMD’s app ready to tap—they’re ready because they think about it all of the time.  On the flipside, if you’re like me, when sickness strikes it’s a crushing blow—a hard, sudden, throwing off balance type of knock.  And you have to drive to CVS at 10 PM because you can’t find any Tylenol.  But once a fluke happens once, or in the case of my 6 year-old, lightning struck twice with unrelated autoimmune diseases–then even a positive thinker who doesn’t take temperatures or rush to the pediatrician has doubts.  Because that seed has been planted in your head.  And those memories taught you about vulnerabilities. 

So on Friday night when I drove to a children’s hospital for suspected appendicitis for my 3 year-old I thought, hey, it could happen to him…why not?  But since I’ve been exercising my positive thinking muscles for the last two months I strong-armed every vision of Scottie being wheeled into the operating room into an image of him in his car seat driving home.

I’m not saying my thoughts have superhero tendencies, (because he ended up having a virus), but it made me ponder how potent positive thinking can be.  At this age how easy/difficult is it to maintain a positive outlook?  And do we have the power to manifest our own destiny?

I’m sure in some religious factions I could be scolded because God would be that captain of our trip.  But tons of literature supports the power of positive thinking and its domino effect on not only your personal life but on your community.  I love reading the recent positive affirmations on facebook.  The gratitude posts put a happy spin in the universe…and, like a boomerang or a reflection, should attract more joy and thankfulness.

But can actually thinking positively about what you want make a dream materialize? Or are we all like Silent Bob attempting our own Jedi mind tricks?

In 2006 I read the popular book, The Secret, along with 19 million others.   Most recently I read a 1940s title with similar themes interlaced with a more “faith in God to provide” slant, The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn.  These two works advocate visualizing, practicing gratitude, and putting it out there to shape your world.  Have you ever thought of a song and then a minute later heard it on the radio?  Or slept with your future husband’s business card under your pillow practically willing him to ask you out?  If so—then you might have an inkling that our mental powers can cause our wants to appear.   

When I was in 8^th grade I spoke in an oratorical contest with “Destiny, Choice Not Chance” as the topic to extrapolate.  Back then I was convinced that my life would be a series of choices.  With more than a fourteen year-old’s perspective, however, now I realize that yes, along with life decisions to make we have the choice to focus on conscious optimism. And that powerful thinking allows our wishes to come true.  I invite you to try it—write down a goal, say some affirmations, or ask aloud what you want--and see how your magical, mental energy can make it real.  It’s a healthy and contagious way to live.  Mind over matter?  Maybe just mind what truly matters to you.