Can We Spare Change, (or Lack Thereof), as We Get Older?

Back in my business consulting days I attended a training class in Illinois. During a free afternoon my team rented a limo to explore Chicago’s scenic splendors. Five minutes into the drive someone opened a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, and I gagged. I immediately feigned exhaustion, put my head against the window, and forced myself to sleep. All because I couldn’t stand the toxic smell of those chips.

Maybe I should become a perfumer or a sommelier with this bloodhound quality. Until last year I did not even know a label existed for those with this kind of trait--HSP, or a Highly Sensitive Person. A good friend, (also an HSP), told me about it. I took the online inventory—scored a 17—and suddenly certain personal characteristics and how they interact with my surroundings—made clear sense.

Why bring this up? Because this week I’ve been pondering how people change. We all undergo transformations. We’re not the same people we were at ten, sixteen, twenty-five, even thirty-five. And it would be naïve to think we only get better, like a velvety Bordeaux.

So, do we unconsciously change? And like my keen smell sense, do dominant elements of our personality only get more pronounced as we age? Translated as: will I be the old lady who can’t stand any loud noises or be in a room where romano cheese dusts a meatball? And that’s just superficial stuff…what about those personality ringers, like stubbornness, impatience, and need for control?

As a parent I’m recognizing the impossibility of changing others. Influencing, guiding them, absolutely. A different friend reassured me that, of course, people can alter their less desirable traits—fully disclosed, a therapist. She emphasized that change requires a strong, internal locus of control. And a desire.

If change is so difficult—and we can’t just wave our hands to mold people to our liking, should we be more patient with other adults, keeping in mind that people have steadfast personalities?

The educated, logical answer is yes, as a society we should all be more tolerant and considerate of people with bold, distinct characteristics. But when things bother us, (and funny, as I type this I’m getting agitated by the thunderous noise of my neighbor’s generator running on his driveway --sounds like a Harley Davidson in my ear), sometimes we cannot help how we react or feel.

Nothing wrong at this point in our lives to take an inventory—for HSP, or just doing a gut-check thinking about how you respond to others. Regardless of where you land on the HSP scale, we can all be more sensitive to others and truly accept the serenity that comes with knowing we can’t change people’s core traits. Doing so makes me recall advice from a communications training I attended years ago. The instructor suggested an adaptation of the golden rule, to “Treat others as they would like to be treated.”

It may take extra effort to consider other people’s needs, but this is a change worth seeking. And improved interactions will be in the bag. For my sake, I’m hoping not a smelly kind full of chips.

 

For more information about the Highly Sensitive Person: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm and The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Dr. Elaine Aron