Best in Show?

 
A month ago one of my kids had an English assignment—change simple descriptive sentences in a way that you show, not tell. For example, “The old house needed repairs” could be adapted to, “I walked through the ripped screen door and then tripped on the broken tiles in the musty entryway.” Showing and not telling is a simple lesson to grip the reader more creatively, to make writing more memorable. Just think about the power of being more vivid and action-oriented. Remember a preschool kids’ joy during show and tell days? I do--six years ago my son, Scottie, told his class about our new puppy, but how much more exciting was it when I brought fluffy 15 week-old Olive for him to show his friends?

As a mom of four I frequently feel like my voice is ignored, especially as the kids get older. And if I raise my voice it sounds like I’m upset, or I’m nagging, or I’m preaching—and of course they tune me out. Even with the many “I love yous” I wonder if the kids actually hear me. Do they feel the love?

Which got me to thinking…

What if I did less telling and more showing—would I be more impactful? Would we all?

I’m sure you can think of the relative or friend who started to sound empty with their echo-like refrains—without backed-up actions—and maybe you started to ignore them and take them less seriously. Or their credibility faltered. Or their flimsy praises and promises became that in your mind—and you started gravitating towards people whose actions spoke louder than words. How much more real and valued those relationships feel.

But it’s not just about expressing love and maintaining relationships.

During this pandemic I’ve found it difficult to motivate my kids to be active. I worry about the time spent binge-watching shows, the endless rounds of Rocket League, and too much Minecraft. I am no screenless saint, but lately I’ve been trying to motivate myself to set a good example. How can I tell them to do something if I’m wasting away my days? So internally I made a choice: I’d show them and make more effort. By exercising every day, reducing my alcohol intake, taking a class, and even starting to write again…will I show my kids enough that they see my actions as examples that will inspire them? I’m not sure. I can only hope that they will be influenced in a positive way.

What I do realize—as most of us may—is that people do watch our behaviors as proof. Even though I preach that “words matter,” I am thinking that my parenting may shift to a “best in show” mode…that I will do less telling, and instead, figure out actions that will mean more. If anything, we all can reflect and put our own lives through that English homework assignment…and see if showing vs. telling will be more powerful and memorable.

Ignorance is Bliss-phemous

 

Turn the other cheek.

Rise above.

When they go low, we go high.

Be the bigger person.

Let it be.

It all comes out in the wash.

We all have heard plenty of platitudes to get us through life’s conflicts, disappointments, and hurt. I’ve repeated similar mantras in my own personal life. With yoga breathing, talking with friends, a ton of journal writing and self-reflection, I’ve taken the high road versus being vocal because I’ve thought—what’s the point? People aren’t going to change. I can shift my thinking, my perspective, and my behavior. Focus on what I can control.

But is silence the best treatment?

I’m sure many of us have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment—and what does that actually do? Let anger fester? Not heal? How do you feel when you stay quiet and don’t vocalize your feelings? Is that always better? Hillary Clinton said, “To remain silent is to be complicit.” In my personal life I’m still dealing with those decisions of not being more vocal, but how does this same idea apply to the entire country? To a government?

Can our democratic government choose to ignore, to just let things pass, when white privileged MAGA terrorists attacked the Capitol building, incited by the 45^th President of the United States because they refused the outcome of the November election? When other elected leaders added fuel to this aggressive attack? By ignoring the obvious actors—and the whys—do people think that normalcy will just naturally happen once Biden and Harris are inaugurated? That this horrific nightmare of the last 4 years will just become a 4-line paragraph in US history books for our grandchildren to read? I’m not convinced.

I have felt many emotions and thoughts today as I digest not only how our democracy was threatened, but also by reading and watching reactions of our elected leaders—along with people in my circles and community. And while I have been impressed with some, shared similar sentiments with friends, felt dubious about some politicians’ earnestness, I have also been disappointed by the ignorance of others. The choosing to overlook what’s happening because maybe it’s easier? More peaceful? Is this a conscious choice to ignore? I would like to think that most people admit that so much was wrong about the DC events of January 6^th…Trump, social media, false propaganda, the lack of police protection, the glaring racial injustice, the horror and reality of the noose and Confederate flags…

What I do know for sure is that if our current elected leaders choose to ignore the violence trying to subvert our democratic process and do not invoke the 25^th Amendment and not impeach Trump—that sends a powerful and scary message to our kids, to extremist groups, to voters, to future presidents, and to the rest of the world. Ignorance is NOT bliss. It’s blasphemous.

Do You See Joy and Happiness?

The TV show Wheel of Fortune reminds me of my Baba. This was back when Vanna White actually turned the letter “windows.” I’d sit next to my grandmother and watch the contestants choose their prizes in that dreamy merry-go-round, (before they played solely for cash). Pat Sajak’s smarmy voice bantered with contestants, and stoic Baba would sit on the couch, seriously looking at the clues, only uttering a sound if she knew the phrase.

So last week I had to laugh because I don’t think of Wheel of Fortune anymore. And one of my dear friends texted me that she watched it and couldn’t believe that none of the contestants knew the phrase—and she did. It was “Happy and Joyful.” Which made me smile because 1) memories of my Baba came flooding back, and 2) anyone who knows my friend wouldn’t be surprised that she knew it. Because she embodies true grace, eternal optimism, and spreads love and generosity throughout our community. I thought to myself, of course she saw the answer. Because she’s always looking for the happiness and joy in all situations.

During this hectic time of spring, how do you look for happiness and joy?

With Mother’s Day approaching I’m always reflective, my brain buzzing about the precious bonds with each of my kids and dog. And since April and May spring a predictable cluster-F of activity, I know I need to step back and breathe. And appreciate the fleeting moments of love and awe.

On Sunday I had a free 60-minute pocket when I went outside to start my overdue weeding. My 5^th grade son offered to help, so we quickly got busy digging up spikey weeds and dandelions. During the gardening he exclaimed with each worm found. At the fattest, the skinniest, the longest, the baby ones... Since he is my resident fisherman, I suggested that he save the worms for bait, and he started collecting them. That night as the small container sat on my kitchen counter, I added some water, and he warned me, “Mom, they’ll drown.”

The next morning I was shocked that 4 worms escaped, and I felt sad seeing them dried up, a brave effort to save themselves. In true mom protective fashion I wanted to save my son’s disappointment. So in the drizzle at 6 AM I ran outside to scoop up more dirt, transfer the still living worms out of the too wet container, and salvaged his bait farm.

Of course he noticed the bigger container when he sat down for breakfast. He smiled when he told me the expected “I told you so.” And then he gave me a big hug for trying to save the rest of his worms. And I thought to myself—oh, the dirty work of maternal love, rescuing those squiggly creatures for him.

Just like my friend who solved the puzzle, I saw the joy and happiness. Who knew it would be that sliver of time weeding with my kid and seeing his amazement with each treasured worm? And laughing at myself, outside in the light rain in my bathrobe and slippers just to make him happy, saving of all things, worms? If we all seek the sunshine, even during our busy, dizzy days, there’s pure joy and fulfillment in that. My Baba is looking down from heaven at our own backyard Real of Fortune.

“Heaven’s where you find it…standing right there in front of you.” Little Feat

3 Ties For Strength?

There’s a reason for Velcro sneakers, even though I always considered them a little tacky. Small kids battle with tying their shoes. Heck, lately I’ve been reminding all four kids to tie their overpriced sneakers and Sperrys.

I remember feeling relief when an after school teacher taught my youngest how to tie his shoes at age 5. But I don’t know what’s happened to his skills. Now his laces look mangled, and his shoes are deteriorating, not looking supportive. He doesn’t care about loose laces, and I look at his weary shoes and think—it’s so easy: just take the time to simply tie them well. Before school I’ve been tightly retying them with a solid double knot because I fear he will fall and get hurt.

Made me think about the strength—and weakness--of ties in relationships.

In the powerfully written and moving saga A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara four college roommates work through the changing landscape of relationships, careers, and self-awareness over the span of 30 years. One character has a specifically harrowing nightmare of a past. Yet the author cleverly weaves the dark story line with glimmers of love, hope, and life insights. One in particular stood out to me. Yanagihara describes marriage…and the notion that successful relationships need 3 strong reasons/virtues why you are with your partner. If you have 4 binding ties to each other you’re considered lucky.

This idea transcends marriages…to friendships, workplaces, family relationships…

Do you think about the 3 reasons you are bonded/connected to a relationship? And what happens when those ties fray?

I’m reading Daniel Goleman’s book A Force for Good about the Dalai Lama. Through anecdotes, quotations, and research the narrative covers global ideas, problems, and solutions—all stressing compassion as the necessary antidote to ubiquitous evils. When Goleman asks the Dalai Lama about whether he has hope for the Chinese and a solution or compromise for Tibet, the Dalai Lama differentiates the Chinese from the Communist Party. He explains it’s the Communist Party’s need for power that stands in the way. “The Communists have to use lots of censorship, which is actually a sign of their weakness—it shows their fear, that they have something to hide.” He advocates complete transparency, which is the basis of trust.

Which made me ponder…yes, when relationships wither and my stomach feels in knots about particular instances, the distilled, true essence missing is trust. And usually what causes that deterioration? A build-up of lies and the withholding of information.

So is trust the first, most important knot? What works for you?

If my son’s shoes could withstand a triple tie I would do that…because like the novel suggests—having 3 firm knots bind and create a solid foundation. And I suggest for the first, secure a tight one that you can trust to keep it together. Any others serve as bonuses to strengthen and support. Lace up your life with truth and you will step forward into a healthy space where goodness abounds.

Bridges Do Carry Us

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the bridges in songs stand out as the best part? In between the standard chorus/verse structure often artists create a change in tempo or key or craft an especially melodic moment. Do any favorites come to mind?

In the car the other day I heard Huey Lewis and the News’ “The Power of Love” and my heart leapt into an open space during its bridge. Which made me think about other songs’ bridges I love. In Little River Band’s “Cool Change” there’s the whisper of “let me breathe the air.” In Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” it’s “I like it…have a good time, good time…” George Michael’s “Kissing a Fool” has a powerful, intense, emotional surge. While songs’ choruses may be the easily identifiable moment that we repeat, often these bridges offer a transition in the melody—allowing a break, perhaps some depth, some contrast, or a surprise.

Made me think—in life do we look for our bridges? Do we acknowledge and appreciate them for what they are? Or are we lost feeling in limbo?

We all go through transitions in life. Our present is ever-changing. It’s noticing that bridge—the supports-- the people who will help, the activities that will nurture, the loosening of the grip of what was to embracing what will be. Sometimes the bridges connecting us to a familiar past and the uncertain future can feel like an in between state, a time of anxiety and shakiness.

I witness this connecting time in life with my two older kids stretching themselves out of childhood and into young adulthood. I see it with friends who have moved geographically and are transitioning into their new community. I see it with kids when they’re home for the first time from college. I have observed friends in that uneasy time after losing a loved one, handling a shocking diagnosis, or going through a revolutionary transition. And obviously I, too know when my life sits in more of a gray area. Sometimes there’s a breakdown. Or a vibrant energy of change emerges. I can feel those times of inner growth and sense when my role is morphing.

I have always been fascinated by literal bridges—taking many travel photos of them because of their timeless aesthetic and majesty. Their implied strength. Their importance. Knowing that they have supported countless others in getting people from here to there.

So I suggest looking for these bridges in your life. And honor them. Embrace them. Give thanks knowing full well that their purpose is to take you to another space. We are constantly evolving in life, moving forward. We need to rely and love these nurturing elements that give us foundation and security.

Whether it’s noticing what’s underfoot literally or figuratively or looking for those especially lifting and meaningful moments in songs, give gratitude that they exist and welcome the view/space. Know you are bolstered—and allow that support to carry you forward. Who knows? Your bridges may be your favorite parts in life.

Barry Manilow’s bridge in “Weekend in New England”: I feel the change coming. I feel the wind blow. I feel brave and daring…

How Do You Get That Bounce “Bawk”?

While I love the “spring forward” moment for many reasons—more daylight, the promise of warmer weather-- undoubtedly that one-hour difference causes disruption in our household. Even this morning I told my youngest that next week he’ll be back to his old sleep routine and not wake up so early, (and hopefully allow me to drink my coffee in quiet). He just needs to adjust, like we all do, with the seasons transitioning.

Yesterday at the hair salon I mindlessly flipped through Entertainment Weekly and was shocked to see seasoned Hollywood actors with their 1980/90s movie costars. Some look absolutely amazing as they’ve transitioned to middle age—they’re no spring chickens. Julia Roberts at 51? Stunning. Cameron Diaz at 46? Glowing. Dermot Mulroney? Dashingly handsome at 55.

Granted, I know these stars have their crews of personal trainers, makeup artists, chefs, and someone adjusting the light angles for flattering photographs, but still…

For those of us who are not spring chickens…how do we put ourselves in our best light? How do we adjust?

Charles Darwin came up with the idea of phototropism…that a growing shoot of grass always bends towards the light. With many plants in my house I always marvel at the phenomenon of watching them lean eagerly towards the window—and we humans are no different. We flourish with positive energy. Think about that teacher, coach, boss, or friend who believed in the best in you versus the one who cut you down or set limiting expectations.

Maybe that’s simply the secret…we just need to focus on where we feel our best, where we shine. Focus less on our weaknesses, stop obsessing about fixing people or things, and ignore people who exclude and make us feel bad. Instead think about not just highlighting our strengths, but how to spread that positivity in the community. Don’t get hung up or distracted by personal and life’s weaknesses. Or disappointments.

Along with the natural change of seasons I’m mentally set to lighten the load, take off my ever-present down parka, and lean my face towards the sun and hopefully feel a quicker pop to my step. If you have also felt that winter dullness, work on getting your bounce “bawk” and feel the powerful pull towards the light. Bask in the strengths that fortify you. Surround yourself with uplifting people, watch an old movie that brings warmth to your soul, download some upbeat tunes, or sit in a sunny window. Indeed, it is time to spring forward.

Repeat History-- Yay or Nay?

Last weekend I watched the 2018 documentary RBG, and silent tears streamed down my cheeks. I’m not one of those 40something women with Ruth Bader Ginsburg tattoos, and I don’t dress up my dog in a dissent collar. I am embarrassed to say I never followed her legal career in the papers or on tumblr. But something stirred inside me this year. I devoured Gloria Steinem’s book On the Road. Which awakened me to read both a Ginsburg biography and her autobiography.

Learning details of the 1972 women’s movement and the social inequities today surprised me. So many changes—and rather recently. While I was a girl taking tap lessons and watching The Brady Bunch reruns, thousands of women were laying the groundwork not only for a future me. But for my daughter. How did I never hear of these milestones? The movements? The matriarchs of women’s lib?

As a young business consultant I remember a salty team member in her 50s, a computer science engineer, saying with an icy edge, “You,” (interpreted as the greater ‘you’ of women my age), “will never understand or appreciate all that we’ve done for you.” I probably sipped my coffee and nodded, and wondered why she seemed angry. I most likely answered with a respectful response and quickly asked what time we were leaving for our client meeting. In some ways she was right. I didn’t fully understand then. But I’m starting to. Just. Now.

Do we ignore the importance of gender equality’s struggle? Or is it pure ignorance—we don’t know what we simply don’t know?

Raising a daughter and three sons I’m ever-conscious of gender stereotypes and the treatment of the sexes. Wanting to provide opportunities for them all--yes, you can pursue what you love in life, yes, you all need to learn to cook and do your own laundry, yes, you’re all strong, capable beings. But what I’ve learned, and perpetuated even perhaps, is an unconscious silence about the history of gender’s evolution.

And I consider my husband and I enlightened. I graduated from an undergraduate institution that emboldened us all with the equal treatment of genders…and not only did I thrive in that environment, I am fervently proud of it.

So how could I be crying quiet tears? Ginsburg’s story moved me. But it wasn’t just her story that made me cry. It was that her story was part of ALL of our collective stories. And most of us don’t realize it. So we definitely do not give it proper thanks.

The sound of that silence thundered in my brain. The trailblazing activists, the legislators who took a stand, the individuals cracking glass ceilings. What were the whispers of the early suffragists in 1848 or in 1920? I could hear their haunted echoes, yet jumping to present day not many talk about it. I know my children aren’t discussing this important history. I’ve heard women my age laugh about the women’s marches. People have told me, “I could never vote for a female president.” Women defend and doubt misogynistic people in the news. WHY?

As Justice Ginsburg herself has said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” I only hope that more people become conscious of the waves of gender equality warriors and maybe not so silently give thanks to them. We owe them—and our future “them”—much more. Perhaps even a roar. And maybe this is a case for repeating history. Literally out loud. And often.

 “It is not women’s liberation, it is women’s and men’s liberation.”  

Ruth Bader Ginsburg