Maybe it’s because the many commercials for Saving Mr. Banks remind me how the chipper, original Mary Poppins measured
herself as, “Practically perfect in every way.”
Or maybe it’s because I keep vying for some Norman Rockwell picture
perfect holiday moment with my kids. And
that hasn’t happened. Or perhaps I felt
it last week when I apologized to another elementary school mom for not going
to my children’s winter school parties.
I mean—am I the only mother who opted out in lieu of lapping up some
quiet before the 16-day school vacation?
Unlike Chicago sang in 1982-- it’s never been hard for me to say I’m
sorry. In fact, sometimes I find myself saying
it too much. It is one thing to say
sorry if you do something wrong. But at
midlife I find people apologizing for unnecessary reasons: either to fit in, to
not offend, or to explain for less than perfect lives—especially when it comes
to decisions we make as parents. Isn’t it time to just be true to yourself
and let things be?
Here’s an example: at a party this fall I was talking to
parents of middle and high school-aged children. When asked whether my kids
played sports, (they are in fourth grade and younger), I practically whispered
with an apologetic shrug, “They play soccer, but it’s only rec,” as if I needed
to make an excuse in this overly competitive kid culture. Or maybe it’s more like we parents are the
ones trying to fit into a perfect parental picture.
Looking back on that conversation I wonder what’s happening
to society and people my age. It seems my
peers lament about our overcommitted schedules, the woebegone days of our youth
when we didn’t play organized sports until third grade, and the lost days of
three-letter high school athletes. Yet
here I am, proud of my kids, loving that they love to play sports, but I’m
sipping rum punch and feeling guilty that I’m not spending the money and time
to cart my kids all over just to play soccer. Should I feel bad that I’m not
seeking college scholarships for my kids’ obvious
athletic talents? Am I less dedicated to
my children? Do I not believe in them? Am I masking a part of me by apologizing? My point is: why do I grapple with feeling
guilty?
And it’s not just travel vs. rec sports. I find myself apologizing for not signing up
my kids for karate because it’s a 10-month commitment, or not encouraging them
to swim because I hate sitting in a natatorium and smelling chlorine, or not
driving that long 25 minutes to a drama class even though it would be a terrific
experience for my daughter. The onslaught
of opportunities gets caught in a web of confusion, resentment, and pressure. And that’s all in our own minds.
As we strive for perfection in our own families we mothers
often feel the responsibility of making the right decisions. Our insecurities bubble to the surface as
“sorry” statements. Instead our focus could
be trying to do what is best at this time in our lives—not only for our kids,
but for ourselves. We need to keep our
own sanity in check. And by doing so we show
our children that “only rec”—or whatever our newest qualifier is—is not an
apology but a life choice allowing for balance.
Mary Poppins floated away with an umbrella and flawless red lips. For the rest of us—(I’ll be Saving Mrs.
Sheldon)—we can rise above by not making excuses and perfect the art of not fitting
into some ideal, unattainable mommy mold.
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If you have time--here are some suggested articles:
Just Remember: Nobody’s Perfect article in Philadelphia Inquirer
-- http://www.philly.com/philly/health/20131222_Just_remember__Nobody_s_perfect.html
Count me in for sticking with rec sports for the kids, not playing the same sport year round and keeping them in a variety of activities. If we could drink champagne on the sidelines, I'd probably think the sports were more fun!
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