Do You Hear What I Hear?

As much as I love eating tortilla chips, the sound of someone else chewing them drives me berserk. I often leave the room to avoid hearing the crunch in other people’s mouths. Misophonia, the term describing a decreased tolerance to or hatred of certain sounds, has popped up in my Yahoo feeds, so I know others grapple with this issue. Some friends can’t stand hearing other people chew gum, lips smack, or their spouses snore.

And then there are the typical sounds in daily life that I try to ignore: kid whining, sibling fighting, bleeping from some annoying app…those dreadful drains on my listening limits. So I do my best to tune out those sounds that make me crazy.

Which, of course, got me thinking…as we get older, do we consciously, or even subconsciously, tune out more than we should?

In my first job fresh out of grad school I sat in a “simple art of business consulting” training. I remember sitting in the auditorium with my spanking new wool suit, band-aids on my feet because of stiff leather heels, and an excitement bubbling to “get out there” and actually help clients improve. The presenter spoke about successful consultants as the ones to dive in with three layers of questions to discover business issues. In good practice we should ask more than the superficial “What isn’t working?” and listen, ask another question, and listen even more. Asking at least three levels of questions will get to the heart of the problem, this savvy trainer assured us.

The basic principles of good consulting, (asking the right, layered questions and listening), apply to general life, to our relationships.

I think of MANY times I’ll be in a situation where I’m talking to someone on the sideline, at the food store, or at a party, and feel the need to listen more. Or to ask clarifying questions, even when sometimes my mind wanders or races ahead to the next topic. Admittedly I don’t pay close attention to my second grader’s tall tales about his classmates, (so and so has a REAL lightsaber, my friend won a thousand dollars in the lottery)… And on the flipside, sometimes I feel that people ask me skimming questions and don’t care what I’m saying or try to understand how I’m feeling.

Do we take the time to listen and ask the right questions?

I realize we all live in a high speed zone with a ton happening in our own lives, but in order to have rich, meaningful relationships, be willing to ask those three levels of questions and to listen. Let the person on the other side know that you acknowledge what they’re saying.

Tuning out may be a skill to get us through episodes of annoying gum chewing or inane sibling clatter, but turn on your listening ears when actually having a conversation with someone. Pursue those three layers of questions and listen…if you don’t, you may miss an opportunity of the “hear” and now…and the chance to be a true friend. Sound good?

 

For more information about misophonia:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-babble/201305/misophonia-enraged-everyday-sounds

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/23/please-stop-making-that-noise/?_r=0

Time to Get a Real Job...Na Na Na or Yes Yes Yes?

I remember my very first concert--I must have been four or five. My parents took us to The Great Allentown Fair to see the rock and roll nostalgia group Sha Na Na, who performed in the movie Grease as Johnny Casino and the Gamblers--and had their own syndicated TV show, a favorite in our house. The song that inspired their name, the 1957 Silhouettes tune “Get a Job,” has been ricocheting in my brain. Partly because my 11 year-old daughter keeps insisting that it’s time for me to go back to work full-time. Often she comes home from school and asks me, “What did you do all day?” which, believe me, as a 90% stay-at-home mom, gets under my skin. Even this week, during a pre-holiday spending spree she said, “It would be good if you got a job.”

Would it serve our family well for me to work full-time? How many other fortysomething mothers ponder this question?

Luckily we live in a situation where my husband supports us. But is that enough? And I don’t mean just financially, even as probable college tuition bills loom six years ahead. Do my kids see me as merely a cook, laundry servant, chauffeur, and sports sideline supporter? And does that even matter?

Part of me hesitates to answer, “Yes.”

My mom, a talented elementary school teacher, returned to work when I was in sixth grade, (the same age as my daughter). Seeing my mom teach…and how much she enjoyed it…and how much students loved her…I was proud of her. And I respected her. For being more than just a sweatpants-wearing grocery shopper, (yoga pants weren’t popular in the 80s). She balanced all of the household and kid responsibilities while successfully working. I truly did care that she had her own career to make her an equal to my dad.

And many women prove themselves as equal counterparts. According to the Pew Research Center the share of two-parent households in which both parents work full time stands at 46% in 2015, up from 31% in 1970. For my own health and sanity I think a full-time gig would drive me over the edge. That a more substantial part-time work arrangement would be best…but those jobs aren’t easy to find.

A Forbes article about finding flexible jobs, alluding to life balance, offers that creative and knowledge-based fields like education, design, writing, and IT provide the most flexibility, but some business and healthcare part-time options are now surfacing.

I admit that I wanted my mom to be “more than”…so flash forward to now and what that means as my kids perceive me. And why I hesitated to say “yes” above… because I know the effort, energy, and sacrifices involved if I do work more.

I agree with writer and feminist Betty Friedan who said women can have it all, just not at the same time. The flexibility I enjoy so I can volunteer at my kids’ school, revel in some quiet, write blog posts, and play tennis conflicts with a building pressure I feel. Because I’m an educated, capable person. And I see Sha Na Na’s Bowser flexing while wearing his black muscle shirt, akin to Rosie the Riveter in a similar strong pose, humming that “Get a Job” melody, likely echoing louder in the next few years.

“Each suburban wife struggles with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night- she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question-- 'Is this all?”
― Betty Friedan, The Feminine Mystique , 1963

 

If you’re interested in reading more about going back to work and women in the workplace:

For the Pew Research Center article:

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/11/04/raising-kids-and-running-a-household-how-working-parents-share-the-load/

For the Forbes article about flexible jobs:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2012/12/12/the-10-best-jobs-for-work-and-family-balance/

And even more related reading:

http://www.economist.com/news/united-states/21600998-after-falling-years-proportion-mums-who-stay-home-rising-return

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/14/upshot/us-employment-women-not-working.html

http://ideas.time.com/2013/06/12/lets-not-forget-many-working-moms-want-to-work-less/

A Heartfelt Thank You--To My Children

Dear Kids,

For all of the “please” and “thank you”s I nudge you to say to others, this is a chance to thank YOU for all that you bring to my life. I have been a mother for eleven and a half years, which sounds insignificant based on how much I value being your parent and the amount of energy I throw into being a mom. Feels like I have been your mother for decades, that I have known your spirits for my entire life.

As this is our thankful holiday week I’d like to express my gratitude to you…for:

·         The amount of pride I feel. For every time you take a risk and put yourself out there, I’m proud of you for taking chances. For learning. For achieving. For being good friends. For being compassionate. For being respectful of your teachers, coaches, and friends’ parents. I love watching you grow up as I see a glimmer of the adults you’re going to be.

·         The joy you bring into this home. The other day my three boys ran around the house, dressed in sunglasses and hats, quietly laughing while spying on me doing housework. I loved watching you be kids and enjoy the morning together. Or seeing my daughter’s face light up as she wrapped her friend’s birthday present, animatedly talking about the gifts she chose and why. I love the energy you all bring into this world.

·         The patience I had to learn. Being a mother isn’t easy. The arguments, the tears, the frustration, the worrying, the constant needs…I feel pulled in many directions, and I have realized that stressing about every incident only makes me unsettled. To save my sanity I know the importance of taking a step back, taking deep breaths, and trying to keep perspective of the bigger picture.

·         The emotions that make me feel alive. For every cornerkick, time you step on a starting block, wind up on the pitching mound, toss a second serve…my stomach fills with butterflies because I know how much you are trying and want to succeed…and I know that you have to rely on yourself and your own grit. I want your confidence to blossom, that I surrogately carry your feelings, and I’m riding right alongside you. Those highs and lows energize life.

·         The opportunity to teach. I love quizzing you on “Name that artist” when the car radio plays, teaching you favorite recipes, and showing you my love for appreciating new places. To me, there is a comfort knowing that my passions can be shared with the people I love the most, another generation, and that I even hope that some of our common interests will be passed down long after I’m gone.

·         Being able to help. You all are distinct individuals, all coming into your own personalities, and I am lucky to help you determine what interests you. Like The Giving Tree I want to give you the support you need until I’m a little stump in some assisted living facility.

·         Unconditionally loving me. I’m fully aware I’m not perfect, that sometimes you get angry or disagree with me, but in my heart I know our connection is strong, no matter what.

 

You all make my soul soar. You are my blessings who I powerfully want to protect forever, you are my perspective compass, you are my truest loves.

--Mom

You're Grounded...Or Are You?

Do you automatically plug your mobile phone in the charger when you get into your car? Feel an immediate panic if you forget your device at home when running errands? Guilty here. I let my gas tank fall well below a quarter, yet feel uneasy if my phone’s charge is less than 35%. It’s incredible how tethered we are to technology, yet we intrinsically know that separating ourselves is healthy, (as I type with my laptop warming my legs and my phone to my left).

How connected are you? And does checking whatever online pursuit make you happy? More stressed? Does it drain you?

Made me think how much truer to myself I feel when I separate myself from technology.

So when I read an article a month ago in Rodale Wellness about grounding I related to it. “Grounding” means connecting your body directly to Earth and experiencing the benefits of the electric fields. Manifested, grounding means walking barefoot in sand or letting your sockless feet feel natural elements like wood and grass. And if anyone knows me, I hate bare feet. I never even let my summer babies go sockless, fearing they would pick up germs, thinking they looked part-naked. But what if barefooting, a term just concocted, brings better health?

The article’s author, Dr. Steven Sinatra, writes about the healing impact that grounding has on blood viscosity, that when blood is thick it causes clots and inflammation. But when our body is connected to Mother Earth’s energy our red blood cells repel against each other and blood’s consistency is thinner, more like red wine, because it’s more oxygenated—which is healthier for our tissues and organs. So, in an effort to be more like red wine…

…I tried it.

On a cool October afternoon I actually went barefoot and stood on my sunny deck for a few minutes. I immediately felt the warmth through my soles. Then I stood on our pavers for a bit, progressing to grass to absorb the different textures. Did I immediately feel electrons zip through my body? I’m not sure, but I did feel more connected to Mother Earth, and it felt good. I could feel my mood lighten, and a more solid, relaxed presence filled my body.

Some of my friends tease me that I become a hermit during the colder months, and for someone who thrives when outdoors I do miss the solidarity of feeling the elements, hearing the birds, sensing the wind on my cheeks. I’d just rather do that in warmer seasons. So….what to do as the temperature dips and there’s no way I’ll go outside without wearing my Ugg knock-offs? Ways to ground indoors include sitting in the sun, taking a salt bath, picking up a rock and feeling it, and eating healthy foods.

In this high-paced, linked in world where we jump to a text’s chime, remember the raw power of connecting to nature. Try your own method of grounding, a way to recharge sans technology. Take a shoeless walk…a step good for your “sole.”

 

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy amidst the simple beauty of nature. ...I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.   

--Anne Frank

For the Rodale Wellness article:

http://www.rodalewellness.com/mind-spirit/forgotten-health-trick-you-need-do-150-minutes-week

Is This a New Age for Our Parents...or For Us?

When I think of New Age I immediately think of music: Enya, Yaz, Enigma... I don’t consider myself an expert in this genre, yet some of their CDs hide in a box somewhere in the basement. These beats and lyrical notes have an ethereal, philosophical, and relaxing vibe. As my Yanni Pandora station played the other day I thought of the term “new age,” and it made me think of my parents and in-laws as they enter their seventh decade…definitely a different era for them, a new age to embrace. Like the music, will it be relaxing? Seeming to belong to another world?

And why skip ahead to “Searching Seventy?” While our parents’ lives change, and not just they accepting getting older, it brings a dear truth for us cresting midlife…our own questions/different reality. For those with living parents, do you see them in a new age? How do you see them in a different light?

Without exposing my family’s details, I will say that I have seen a transformation unfold, and I’m learning how I hope to be in the future. I have witnessed a sense of a finite time remaining, a practical approach preparing for old age, and an increased sentimentality about life.

For me, though, I always attached these thoughts and feelings with my grandparents. I remember sitting in their sunny, small ranch. At the kitchen table, covered with a clear, plastic tablecloth, I waited for Grandmom to bring me “coffee”—warm milk with a splash of the real stuff, in a flowered cup and saucer. My Pop Pop would be sitting to my right, expertly carving off pear skin and slicing the fruit into pieces to share. At age 6, 11, 15, and 20, I’d be sitting in the same spot, they telling me how lucky I was to be young, that years go by so quickly. I would listen and conjure up images of their younger selves, and promise to remember their advice—and think, how lucky that I had so much time ahead.

But now it’s my parents and in-laws doing their version with my kids. And I blink—like it’s some time warp, or maybe it’s tears, because now I see them as I once saw my grandparents. And I selfishly wonder, is the most difficult part of my parents’ aging the knowing that I am only 28 years behind?

I love the Enigma song, “Return to Innocence,” but I haven’t heard it in years. When I googled it yesterday its video popped up on YouTube. Like fate was reading my mind, its video highlights older people and gives a sense of life’s love, purity, and simplicity…and finishes with time reversing, showing the characters as younger versions. A beautiful reminder that life is but a wave of moments and memories, and that in the end all of the craziness, drama, and stress will be forgotten…and those simple sentiments, like sharing a coffee and pear, those are what should stick. A reminder to think of older people with their younger souls intact. I wish for my parents and in-laws a return to those effortless virtues in this decade…for them and me.

 

If you'd like to view the Enigma “Return to Innocence” video:

Return to Innocence video

Give Me a Break, or Rather, Take One

One of the perks of working at a dot-com consulting company during the late-90s Internet boom was the clichéd ping pong breaks. Sure, we had coffee, too, but having the ping pong table in the office felt youthful and carefree. Who didn’t love hitting something during the day amidst busy projects?

My ping pong table—both literal and figurative—is catching dust in our basement. As much as I have been striving for better balance, I still get caught up in the crazy, chaotic busy-ness of our days and weeks. But that’s not healthy. In my head I often hear Nell Carter sing the theme song from the 1980s TV show, “Gimme a Break.”

Are we too busy coordinating our kids’ lives? Working? Running to the grocery store? Doing laundry? That we can’t squeeze in mini breaks for our sanity’s sake?

Last week my graceful yoga instructor made an off-hand comment, that in yoga we do a series of poses, and then we recover with a rest, like child’s pose. And she remarked, “Wouldn’t it be nice in life if we took more breaks like in yoga?” Which, of course, got me thinking.

Then a Harvard Business Review article popped up in my Twitter feed, “The Making of a Corporate Athlete” by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, which puts another spin on the need for downtime. They liken high performance athletes with power executives, recognizing the need for energy renewal for business leaders to be more successful—just as those in sports need rest to be better on the field/court/turf. They write:

In the living laboratory of sports, we learned that the real enemy of high performance is not stress, which, paradoxical as it may seem, is actually the stimulus for growth. Rather, the problem is the absence of disciplined, intermittent recovery. Chronic stress without recovery depletes energy reserves, leads to burnout and breakdown, and ultimately undermines performance.

Anyone ever feel burnout? No need to undermine our lives, because, let’s face it—we perform all of the time. We may not be on the cover of Fortune or Sports Illustrated, but our lives move at a pressured pace. The importance of rest still remains. In this rat race of life we are all high powered executives, all super athletes, striving, on some days, to simply survive. I just think of Ivan Drago pounding on Rocky’s scarlet boxing gloves saying, “I must break you.” And I suppose… better to take a break versus feeling shattered ourselves.

 

For additional reading...“The Making of a Corporate Athlete” article:

The Making of a Corporate Athlete

 

 

Be a Mean Girl

I haven’t written a post in awhile. For many reasons. One being that dear friends have been caretaking their 12 year-old daughter, first bedside in a children’s hospital’s cardiac ICU, and now at home.

Who am I to ponder questions of getting older when a young girl fights for her life with her family soldiering alongside? When my friends live in a separate reality that most never witness? Seems rather indulgent of me.

When kids get sick and face life-threatening illnesses...most sane people with a heart question why. How could “this” happen to a child and his or her family? People will tsk, shake their heads, some say a silent prayer, and hope to dear life for faith and healing. And shudder at the thought of going through a daunting hell.

Back in July my beautiful friend looked at me with pleading eyes when I asked how they are all doing. She responded, “I really hope there’s meaning in all of this. That being sick has brought meaning to people—either bringing the community closer together or something else powerful.”

I can’t speak for everyone who’s been affected by a sick child, but I can attest how much this family and strong girl have impacted me. Here are my observations:

·         A parent’s powerful love for a child is limitless. And when tested that strength grows in unbounded ways.

·         People’s perspectives do shift. They are touched and reminded of life’s fragility and importance.

·         Generosity abounds. I have seen how people respond, being awed by anonymous monetary donations, people giving of their time, and many reminders of constant thoughtfulness.

·         Faith stands out as a core to survival. Faith in family, in friends, in medicine, in miracles, in a higher power, in a mysterious, ever-changing life flow.

·         Children should not be underestimated. By their resilience, their compassion, and their ability to still be kids despite challenging circumstances.

They have showed me the importance of gratitude and taking the time to pause and reflect.

Appreciating meaning makes life more substantial, true. But you don’t have to witness a life-threatening illness to bring more meaning to your life—and to others. I suggest striving to be a “mean” girl…or man. I’m not saying to take a tip from Tina Fey’s 2004 hit movie, Mean Girls, but rather to stop and think whether you live with purpose towards the people you value. That if suddenly you were absent, would it matter? Would you be missed?

Don’t miss out on real relationships, true connections. Be mean…ingful. As American spiritual essayist Thomas Merton wrote, “We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.”

Not only seek meaning from challenging, heart-gripping situations like when a community rallies around a family with a sick child, but continue to look for truths in everyday circumstances…and look within to make a difference in someone else’s life. Be significant. Be faithful. Simply be there.